Cooking with Pizzazz

You’re gonna need 10lbs of shredded iceberg lettuce. If you go to Taco Bell, they’ll probably be throwing away some of this, so you can get it from the dumpster. But, uh, only after they close, ok? Cause they’re mean there. 

The first thing you want to do is get a big pot and dump some milk in there (1 bunch) and then put butter in there. 3 sticks. You could break them in half, but I don’t know whyyou’d want to do that. Then, you’re gonna get a spoon and swirl it around while the stove makes it hotter. 

So when it’s hot, it’ll smell weird, and thats how you know its time to get it into the french press. You should have, actually you should have like five french presses, all filled with lettuce. 

So let those things steep for like 5 minutes. While that’s happening, the rest of the lettuce is gonna go into the pot thing, with the milk residue. Dump some whipping cream in there. Like three. Or cool whip. 

Yeah, you know what, throw a thing of cool whip in there too. Extra creamy. 

Plunge all of your french presses, preferably at once. Pour the lettuce milk into the pot. 

Get a pint of whiskey. Just follow me here. Pour it on your head. This recipe involves a lot of pouring. 

Open a bottle of Cholula and pour it in the pot. Cholula is the hot sauce you can steal really easily from Tex-Mex places run by hipsters.

Then you separate out six eggs. Just dump it in the pot. Wait, which part are you supposed to use when you separate? Whatever part you’re supposed to use, you should use in your pot. The yolks. 

Garnish with pepperoni. I thought this was vegetarian? 

You’re gonna need some deli slices of ham. Get some filets of salmon or whatever. You’re gonna want some ice cream cones, the ones that are hard, sugary and pointy. Bear with me. Also get some wasabi and some marshmallow fluff. Ok so cook the salmon or something until it’s cooked. You could use a pan. While it’s cooking, roll out the ham slices. Of course, this is where the wasabi comes in. Take a spreading stick (ooh breadsticks, those are delicious) and spread the wasabi on the ham. NOT TOO MUCH cause I don’t even like wasabi. So think about that while you’re spreading. You should end up with green sheets of ham. Put the salmon on it. STACK THE HALMON. PUT THAT IN ALL CAPS. Ham, wasabi, salmon. Ham, wasabi, salmon. Ok, roll it up. Jam it into a sugar cone. Drizzle the marshmallow fluff in the middle. This cone is huge. To eat, simply pick up a cone and crush it against your forehead. 

Aquire for yourself 2 1/4 lb big bites, preferably placed directy into your hand by the 7-11 guy, bunless. You’re definitely gonna need a bag of doritos, opened. Tear the dogs apart with your hands, and add to the doritos and top with complimentary nacho cheese. The best part is te crusty brown part that sits on the tip of the dispenser. Roll up the bag and drop it on the floor a couple of times to mix it up. Now this is the important cooking part: Place in 7-11 microwave. It’s number 3 for a burrito, so i guess I don’t know, use the highest setting. When the microwave starts sparking, you know it’s done. How do you eat it? I’m confused. So you put it in a bowl and eat it with a spoon. You have to leave the 7-11 and go home where you have a spoon. 

Ok so you’re gonna want to get a chicken. Not a live one, Jesus. One from the grocery store. A whole one. Get a bag of mini reeses peanut butter cups. You need about 300 for this recipe. Then, basically all you have to do is find a friend who owes you a favor and invite him over for dinner. Once you have your friend thoroughly trapped in your house, have him unwrap the peanut butter cupz. So while you’re watching tv and he’s doing that, just relax because the hard work is about to start. Open up your chicken by the hole. Hopefully your chicken has a hole with nothing inside it. Cram as many peanut butter cups inside as you can. It’s like stuffing, only it’ll make your mouth rot. Then you’re gonna want to put your chicken in some kind of pot thing to go in the oven? Balance as many peanut butter cups as possible on top and around the chicken, as a glaze. But we’re also going to make a gravy. Put that in the oven and cook it. Eight? Four hundred? What do you cook a chicken at? Anyway, get another pot. Put the rest of the cups in there. Because we don’t want this to get gross, put a stick of butter in there too. Just kinda heat that and stir until it’s gravy. So when you’re bored with that, your chicken is probably done. Hopefully your friend is still trapped there so you’ll have help eating the chicken cause we’re talking about 300 peanut butter cups here.

first you get your hot dog buns and something cylindrical like a can. do you have one of those? open up the hot dog buns and roll them flat, one for each roll that you want to make. ok then you wanna grab some of the lettuce that you have left over from dorito salad a few days ago. it should be a nice dark and wilty seaweed color. just lay it on your new flat buns. next, take a can of tuna and put it in a bowl. start squirting some spicy mustard in there. if you have pepper that you want to add that will work too. I usually save the packets that I get from Mcdonalds (use 2-3 of those). You want to mash that all around with a fork or something like a fork or your hands. Then, lay that onto your lettuce in like a line of tuna mash.
Take a pickle and cut it into long strips. If you only have small round pickles, then I guess you’re kinda stuck. If they’re crinkle cut then just leave them alone. So go ahead and roll that up. Um. Then take a bag of chips thats almost done and pour them out onto your table top. Roll your sushi roll onto that pile of chips for a while until the chips are all stuck on it. If they don’t stick right away spritz the roll with some water or soda which is also sticky then try again. Then take a knife and cut it into sushi pieces. 
Should make about 6. You probably dont have soy sauce, cause I don’t, so you can just use salad dressing. Or if you have duck sauce packets from the last time you got chinese food, that’ll do it too. 



 

Well first you have to pick out your favorite flavor of doritos. I prefer cool ranch but everybody’s different. Put it in a bag…well i guess it comes in a bag. Then mash it up. I don’t care enough. Then you’re gonna want to get your mayonnaise ready. Put the doritos in a big bowl and dump a can of diced tomatoes in there. Pour your mayonnaise on top. Basically you’re gonna have a spatula and just mash it around until it’s the consistency you like. I like it to be the color of the original doritos but you can really go crazy with the mayo and make it all white. Then take a head of lettuce, peel off some layers and spread them on a platter in an attractive way (subjective). Just sort of pour the salad onto the bed of lettuce (right?). Garnish with shrimp cocktail shrimp or popcorn shrimp if it’s for kids. This should serve at least one. Or two.

a pumpkin filled with tuna with the water drained (obviously because it’s from 12 and a half cans) solid white, chunk, or whatever

the pumpkin has to be scooped out, I don’t know if thats obvious

if you want to be festive for halloween, you can make it a jack o lantern, it depends on the crowd

then you can reach in through the eyes and mouth for the tuna

serve with ruffles potato chips for dipping