Cooking with Pizzazz

You’re gonna need 10lbs of shredded iceberg lettuce. If you go to Taco Bell, they’ll probably be throwing away some of this, so you can get it from the dumpster. But, uh, only after they close, ok? Cause they’re mean there. 

The first thing you want to do is get a big pot and dump some milk in there (1 bunch) and then put butter in there. 3 sticks. You could break them in half, but I don’t know whyyou’d want to do that. Then, you’re gonna get a spoon and swirl it around while the stove makes it hotter. 

So when it’s hot, it’ll smell weird, and thats how you know its time to get it into the french press. You should have, actually you should have like five french presses, all filled with lettuce. 

So let those things steep for like 5 minutes. While that’s happening, the rest of the lettuce is gonna go into the pot thing, with the milk residue. Dump some whipping cream in there. Like three. Or cool whip. 

Yeah, you know what, throw a thing of cool whip in there too. Extra creamy. 

Plunge all of your french presses, preferably at once. Pour the lettuce milk into the pot. 

Get a pint of whiskey. Just follow me here. Pour it on your head. This recipe involves a lot of pouring. 

Open a bottle of Cholula and pour it in the pot. Cholula is the hot sauce you can steal really easily from Tex-Mex places run by hipsters.

Then you separate out six eggs. Just dump it in the pot. Wait, which part are you supposed to use when you separate? Whatever part you’re supposed to use, you should use in your pot. The yolks. 

Garnish with pepperoni. I thought this was vegetarian?